And the Winner Is! Competing Behavior

The third square in the SAVI grid addresses competing verbal behaviors.  They include the following types of statements:

• yes-but
• discount
• leading questions
• oughtitude
• interrupt

'Yes-but' comments are easily identified, and seem to be a place many people feel more confident to start modifying their communication once they understand what "Yes-but" statements are and how they function.  A previous post in November of 2012 is dedicated only to "Yes-but" statements.  Find it in the archives.     

'Discounts' include verbal statements that function to get the other person to stop talking about their idea , including negative or contradictory opinions.  Any denial of another person's ideas or feelings or facts is consider a 'discount'.

'Leading questions' are really not questions at all.  'Leading questions' are 'opinions' in question form:  "You don't really think that's going to work, do you?"  Again, a previous post focuses on nothing else by 'leading questions'.  That blog entry is located in our archives in December of 2012. 

'Oughtitudes' are statements that intone a superior, dogmatic, judging observation about life rules.  They express an attitude that the speaker is tuned in to way things "ought to" be, and that everyone else "ought to" already know how things should be (the words "ought to" may or may not actually be used).  Listen to any political debate for plenty of examples of 'oughtitudes'. 

'Interrupt' is simple to understand.  We all do it.  We rely on it.  It's so common place, many use it without being aware. 

Competitive verbal behaviors are easy to find within any group that moves beyond the initial 'obscure' comments (social ritual) that characterize exchanges whenever people first come together (see previous post). 

'Competing' comments are topic statements that orient the listener to the speaker's personal position on information.  Competitive statements are characterized as those the avoid the maintenance of personal relationship and/or the topic under consideration, and ultimately avoid solving the inherent problems inherent within the act of communicating with others.       

Say What? Obscuring Behavior

Appropriately entitled 'obscuring', the second square on the SAVI grid is made up of verbal behaviors that are topic/factual in orientation, but ultimately avoid the true maintenance of topic.  Avoidance occurs by generating statements 'as if' the information found within is factual, when in fact reality could very well be something completely different:

• mind reading
• predictions (negative or positive)
• gossip
• joking around
• thinking out loud
• social ritual

'Mind reading' occurs when the speaker is engaged in verbal behavior where he or she talks as if s/he knows another person's thoughts better than the person himself or herself.  Examples include statements like, "I know you think this is a bad idea!"  And, "He thinks anything to do with reform policy is a waste of time!"

'Predictions', either negative ("That'll be the end of the line for him!") or positive ("That's going to solve all our problems!"), always introduce ambiguity into a conversation.  After all, who can really say with 100% accuracy what will work or not, or whether everything is going to be fantastic or not.

'Thinking out loud' includes comments like, "Well, it's like... you know... I mean... right!" 

'Social ritual' includes statements like, "Nice to meet you," "So glad you could come," "Thank you so much for the lovely gift!" 

'Obscuring' behavior can seem quite charming and entertaining.  When there's work to be done or problems to tackle, however, 'obscuring' behavior will decrease productivity and morale every time. 

Take That! Fight Behavior

According to SAVI theory, 'fighting' verbal behavior includes:

• attacks/blames
• righteous questions
• sarcasm
• self-attack
• self-defend
• complaints 

Fight behavior is identified as 'personal' because it allows the receiver/listener to understand the current state-of-mind of the speaker.  While there may be many 'you' statements associated with fight behavior like "You never listen to me!" (attack/blame) or "How can you possibly agree with that?" (righteous question), the communication actually functions to reveal the current inner-state of the speaker. 

When you were young and were being taught about blame you might have been told, "Remember when you point your finger at someone else three fingers are pointing back at you." That's the idea associated with 'fight' behavior.  Even though the speaker might be saying 'you', the behavior functions as a way to expose the listener to the speaker's current personal inner state. 

While characterized as 'person' oriented, 'fight' behavior is also identified as 'avoidance' behavior.  Remember that all 'avoidance' behavior contains high levels of dissonance and 'noise' (ambiguity, contradiction, redundancy).  And in the particular case of 'fight', the behavior functions to avoid the maintenance of personal relationships.